When I first started writing, I remembered my last trip to
Israel. I thought I would have plenty of time to write, and plenty of things to
write about. We had nearly weekly trips and had martial arts all the time.
Living with nine great people, all of whom I miss. I thought, very naively,
that that is how this trip was going to be. How sadly mistaken I was. Budokan
was an absolutely fantastic program; however, it was not the real world. It was
an extended vacation, and at least of us do not live in the vacation world.
I suppose a number of other things have contributed to my
silence. The knowledge that I don't control who reads this is probably chief among
the barriers. Secondarily, it doesn't seem like there is much to write about.
It is currently the finals period of the second semester. Essentially it is the
last leg of this journey, and it hasn't been an easy one. I have faced my own
Cyclops, Charybdis, and lotus eaters. I guess I'm really glad I don't have to
worry about any suitors.
If nothing else, I can write this: I have learned several
important life lessons. They aren't fun, but important all the same. As a very
important friend to me recently, "It's better to learn the bitter lessons
now, and be happy than to be ignorant and happy now." My words don't do
her justice. And I hope that might comfort others of you facing hardship today.
Danny used to say that the strongest blades were forged in the
hottest fires. I'm no sword smith, and I had forgotten those words until
recently. I don't know if I'll become a sword. I think I've long dreamed of
doing so, but the future is so very murky. To borrow an idea from Arthur Meyer
(1960), I feel like the sea I sail is only roughly charted and its changing
contours are not clearly discernible. There is no true science of navigation,
no fund inherited from the experience of others. I alone am in control at the
helm, at yet, I have no control of the winds. I go where they lead me and I can
only hope that after this turbulence, I can find a quiet harbor to lay anchor
for a moment and regroup.
I spoke with a friend recently. Only 19 years old, and
already trying to decide their life direction. They were so surprised that I
still don't know where I'm going. I'd like to go back to the US when I graduate
and get a job, even if that job sends me back overseas. But so far that search
isn't going so well, and there may be an opportunity for me here. So who knows?
I may stay here a little longer. But I really don't know. All I can do is take
what I have learned, and apply it. And each day do something to improve myself.
During the first semester I barely touched my guitar, I did
not lift my pen outside of school work, and I seriously slacked in working out.
In this past semester I've been picking things back up slowly. I am looking
forward to having the time to dedicate more seriously to improvements, but I'll
settle for a page of writing as a start. I'll worry about filling a book later.
The last thing I want to share is perhaps the most important
lesson I have learned. In our daily life, our home is the most important place.
It might seem to be commonsensical, or even silly to have to say it, but it is
none the less true. Not everyone has the ability to change their situation. I
have long thought that a little personal discomfort was not a serious
detriment. My father always complained with the way I was strict with myself.
When I say home, I don't just mean the room you sleep in, or the house in which
you stay. It includes that area where you go at the end of the day to unload
your pack, let the worries of the day sit aside for a moment, and you have the support
to tackle the hardest challenges of life. I cannot rightly say that in any
sense of the word I have led a difficult life, but I feel it is unfair to say I
have never faced difficulty.
It seems that the most difficult days are easy to handle
when one's home is in order, when there's a safe and secure place to settle.
The reverse is also sadly true. When someone doesn't have a home, when that
place isn't safe, than even easier days can be trying and grow to become insurmountable,
like the task of Sisyphus. That is all I have for now. I hope that my words can
share something of value, and that we get to where we are needed and we find
there fair winds and following seas.
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